@#$*&^$#!!!! Wakaru?

Just got back from a looooooooooooong break…. have a lot of updates to do… i mean updates with my dear ones whom i’ve not seen for so long since my departure. anyway, i was eating with my girlfriend when i suddenly told her i’m a hua1 ci1. i only realised this when i really exclaim at things that are really beautiful… man, i’m a hua ci. then this friend really gave me a hit in the heart. i’m an eye person. yeah, i’m an eye person! everything i see, i have the tendency to accept things from what i see.  so what kinda person are you?

一天过一天，每天除了工作及追赶戏剧，心灵果真是空虚的。突然的突然，又想念阅读图书，追跟新知讯。突然的突然，不想跟任何人交流，只想一个人慢慢的思考人生的下一个蓝图。突然间感觉放弃一切重新开始是最实际不过.累了,很累了.是时候放下一切了吧? 在这一切的过程中,就在那电光火石的一瞬间,看到了一片光明.原来真的要放下一切,心灵才会清晰.简单的道理,但又有多少人可以做得到呢?

Watched a korean series: huang2 zhen1 yi1, suddenly felt like i know how she felt as an artist. i’m no artist, and definitely i do not know how melancholy they can be, but i do admit most part of me is emotional then to think logically. if there’s anything wrong with the common perception of me as a typical aquarius, it should be their description of aquarians being logical and detached from emotion. in some ways, i am slow in my reaction but it doesn’t mean there is no feelings inside. but ideally, i would choose not to have any emotion. to know who i am, i am still in that journey of searching. but the less time left for me in this life time, the more i fear what i see of myself. the idiotic way is to avoid those areas to avoid problems but eventually i’ll still have to face it. it is just a matter of time. only now i admit, in the general grouping of loner and groupies, i am in the former. i realized that long time ago. my mum said that i dun like to be bothered since infancy. but the realization came to me as a smack in the face to know that the fact claimed is actually true.

in the series, to learn to live in the pack is to learn to observe how the group works and to tune into the same rhythm…. a hard task for a person who is naturally born a solo dancer. let’s see how nature works its way to teach the untaught lesson.

to be continued…

on the surface, it seems i have come to calm waters…not much movement on the mirror still surface…but there are so much going down under…below the thousands and thousands of molecular layers of H2Os…. the undercurrents pulling and tugging and pushing each other in deeper creeves and curves trying to pull (or is it push?) you off balance. the laughing and smiling face on the outside might be just another way of disguising the worried and messy and unkempt thoughts that shoot at different angles like free radicals in hot air within. i have learned to adapt to these kind of sudden random kicks and hunches that just came out of nowhere or somewhere. i like to, in a way, to put myself in a certain position that gives me no choice but to try as hard as i can and move forward, slacking is not an option. and maybe, it has become a habit, and i sometimes subconsciously go into some of these traps even when my age and mindset has changed and no longer have the umph to close the gap of my current maturity and ability with the higher grounds that i have chosen. in some cases, i have successfully crossed over the pit holes, but in others, i’m afraid, i’m still trapped. not to the extent that i am struggling to get out of it, but enjoying myself making each small steps, slipping at times, but eventually manage to stand right back up and, if necessary, start from zero again, slowly towards the opening and see light again. we are all survivors, we are all fighters.

saying that, i am happy to say, i have already managed to resolve two not too big not too small issues that are of priority to me, still awaiting the results but i am with certain confidence that i can put that at rest for the time being while waiting time to tell the outcome of them. two steps to the next big stone. plans and bubbles mixed together, doubts and wisdom boxing each other to find their own stand and balance. i’ll have to say, although it is just one simple question with one simple action, but the process is just too complicated that an endless decision tree could not help to size down the complexity. but, life is just too short to carry on this burden for too long. when the tomato cans are too heavy to carry, then just put them down. when you seek to find an answer, maybe it is better to not go look for it. two simple quotes from two different philosophers but yet telling the same thing.

i still remember the movie a series of unfortunate events. and now, it just suddenly came to me again. maybe, i should not give up so early. maybe the next wonderful rainbow is just one more step away. just had a talk over a long missed waffle and ice-cream. taking things easily lately just to let things seep in and take their own place. starting to take up pencils and start writing again. starting to switch on notebooks and typing blogs again. starting to wake up early on weekends to do some muscle restoration activities. starting to wake up early to cook my own meals and  just felt contented about the utmost feel of blessing to be able to do so. starting to have personal moments in a day to listen to the silence and turmoil inside. starting to notice each breath in and exhalation made. the very simple things in life and yet the most extraordinary discoveries that i should always be grateful that i can do with the slightest effort. i’ll just let myself settle in peace for a while before i go and create another gush of murky wave for me to overcome.

just let it be for a while and when the right temperature hasth been reached and the peace is really there, things will just fall into place. like the one unique grain of sand which belongs at a special designated place on the water bed of calm waters.

wahahhaa…. finally i can say ah… finally i can sleep peacefully at night ler…ah..finally i am not afraid to look at the phone when the phone rings ler…ah…finally i can have my time to read, cook, clean up my room, go window shopping, blog, check and REPLY emails, sit down and reflect, talk to mum over phone for more than 5 minutes…ah..finally i can process my CPA..ah…finally i can see the sun rise…ah… finally i can go jogging… (and amazingly, i and short of breathe only after jogging for two short minutes… and i am sweating like a crazy horse… and that feels wonderfully GrrrreeeaaaTTT!!!!)

Was crazy chasing movies..choking myself with movies and house cleaning during the holidays… and came across this quote in one of the movies (Tristan and Isolde), it says: life is greater than death, but LOVE is more than either. i just thought it was a wonderful quote. but when i quoted it to my gf, she said that was sHoCKIng. and only to find out the reason behind the statement. she never thought that love can live longer when there’s no life. but in my belief, it can. no matter which life that you choose, you will always meet the one true love and the loved ones that you have met over and over and over again. they assume different identities in different lives, but the love itself will get these individuals to meet again. Love stays and reconnect in a flowing circle, never stops and never will. that’s why i believe my dad used to be my lover in some past lives.

anyway, wondering if i have found my other half or missed it already. life has gone down to the plains again…. sigh.. i have to do the right thing. and the right thing it is. and to tell you the truth, i no longer know how to differentiate what is right or wrong. luckily i have a group of advisors helping me analyse and tell me what to do. there was a week when i was totally upset and lost and in a mess. and there was one week that everything went wrong but it doesn’t matter to me anyway. life still goes on and it’s all in a day’s life. and just last week… i get to laze around and enjoy the sweetness of life to the very last drop. and TODAY, i got a bonus!!!…hahaha… can’t even believe it. but i’ll just keep that to myself. a sweet little secret means no harm anyway. =p

trying to reorganize my life. too used to the upside down life now that i have trouble sleeping at nite at times. a lot of prescriptions coming from everywhere… but still they are useless. trying to calm down and do meditation. let’s see if it works. and part of the reorganization project includes making my room smell and look like my room…so put up a little bit something here and there and rearranged my stuff …and voila… new taste, new life, new look, new smell, and new atmosphere. Ah.. finally MY ROOM….

haha…i think i have blogged enough…. hahaha… no matter how bad things are… i’ll always remember… ah… life is too good to just sigh and let the squeezing moments press your seconds through… it’s just not worth it. so people, remember to say..AHHH… 知足常乐。。。感谢大地给我的美好人生！大家好好享用吧!….AHHH….

There was this day when one of my life chapter came to a close. and there was this period when i was in a confusion of self conflict and adaptation. and now … i am at the beginning of another chapter.

Used to spend all the time i have on work after the end of the previous chapter. colleagues and friends are all around which made me feel safe. at least they helped fill in that hollow space in my heart. it is almost always that God send me guardian angels to help me through at my times of need. then finally found a new stand and things start to fall in place slowly. and then….. out of the blue, came this glow of light from the other end. it was dim at first, but the more i walked towards it, the more blissful i am, more golden light fill the space around me. in a very normal routine tempo of life, suddenly the heartbeat broke free from the usual rhythm. what seemed to be a very plain encounter starts to unfold itself into another new unseen world. day by day, my heart was eaten bit by bit by this beautiful stranger. and i hope he will continue to do so till the day my heart meter shows a silent straight line.

nevertheless, i hope i can have a silent breakaway from my colleagues and friends temporarily. i want this to work and i want to cherish everything i have on this newfoundland till everything is stable. it is comforting to see that my girlfriends and colleagues, though not knowing what’s with my sudden change in routine and seclusion, still gave me space and care. my dearest few angels giving me words of encouragement and small but sweet little reminders to help me walk on on this path i’ve chosen. i thank you very much to all of my colleagues and friends and gfs. don’t know what to do without them. and i thank you this beautiful stranger for appearing in my life, giving me strength to walk, and still walking, at this time of tests. i hope i can work through these few months. i really hope what i have chosen to take up can successfully come to a wonderful end. i really hope that what i aim to achieve in this task can be realized as the project progresses. it is said, a person is born only half a circle. and until they find that other half, they will remain incomplete. and i hope during this time of challenge, i can find my true support and my other semi-circle — my forever blissful sunshine. =)

psst…i’ve just runaway from my nightmares… a temporary relief from reality.hahaha… turned up as early as i can in the office to finish off my immediate unfinished business, pack and run off to the bus station and then hop into the bus towards my long awaited break. no matter what the grumbles are… i don’t care nonetheless. i need a break! i don’t want to be worse than dysfunctional and erupt like a volcano.

haha… luckily my gf is here to take me in. clear off all my unfinished errands that i need to do before the interests bite off my savings. then off to the cool breeze in the mountains to blow away the haunting work stress and an awesome massage which felt worse than a summo sitting on top of you. but then, the after effect is just wonderful– a long dreamless night. then another day of makeover and romancing with my book. a wonderful break for my brain, enjoy the arty works of Hailey north. chatted over the phone with mum and sis. daddy happily greeting my call. music to my ears. haha… has been a long time since i last hear their voice, the only voice which can wash away my miseries.

Nevertheless, as well as i know, i’ll need to go back to face my piling homework. this time i will face it happily with renewed strength. but first, i need to meet my lam lam. i need a hug from her! hahaha… can’t wait for tomorrow to come. till then, adieu!

I was at the verge of being a permanent ice queen due to some happenings of the late. i fear i do not even have the compassion to show sympathy and care should i be confronted with a situation which demands sympathy. work was more than enough to the extent that i almost become phobic. drained, totally drained….but just so happen yesterday, my darling gf sent me some quotes…beautiful words which just drop waters onto my dry land and in an instant, flowers grow everywhere. the feeling is blissful. peaceful and wonderful. So here goes:-

You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover’s arms can only come later when you’re sure they won’t laugh if you trip.  ~Jonathan Carroll, "Outside the Dog Museum"

When love is not madness, it is not love.  ~Pedro Calderon de la Barca

Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit.  ~Peter Ustinov

Hate leaves ugly scars, love leaves beautiful ones.  ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic’s Notebook, 1966

and my favourite, such a provocative statement, but true…

Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.  ~Robert Frost

so there it goes. when i am in the darkest alley, she has come in the the nick of time to light me up with her love. thank you, my dear. you are always my guardian angel.

it has been long since i last wrote here. always the same old starting line. life has been monotonous, and to some extent, phobic. can’t sleep well due to stress of work and i really know this is not the way it should be. not a good sign. but well, these are the choices i have made and i therefore have to follow. the love for my job has ebbed. i no longer feel the passion for it there, and the main reason might obviously be me not enjoying what i do but only rushing day in and day out for things that sometimes no longer make sense to me. in a robotic and autopilot mode i guess.

Just woke up from a dream. the entangling strings from my past relationship was finally cut clear once and for all, so that it no longer haunts me in my future life. human behaviour is always a variable. what you once perceive to be 100% will end up at the end of your list one day. haha…nevertheless, that’s that.

but, because of this job and because of this ex, i found out something new about myself. last friday, i found out, my fascination for a person actually surrounds people who resemble someone i have lost in the past. a family member. don’t know if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but the minute i found out this fact, i was filled with remorse, coz just that afternoon, i mocked that person of resemblence.

Anyway, let the past be. the only thing that reminded me of the beauty of this world came in the nick of time. it has been long since i last listen to soft music. and only that day when i was drained, the tele came this song composed by Yanni. the experience is quite wonderful… from a dry desert, the buds of flowers and greeneries starts to pepper the land and multiply from thereon… and in no time, the flowers are already in full bloom… the balance of the whole ambience is so full of life and solace. if sirens from the ancient greece sounds like this, it is indeed hypnotic and worthwhile to die for. i realized i have isolated myself from pure music for quite some time. it is about time for me to go back to it. it is about time for me to rethink my plans as well. i will let things announce themselves once the decision made. 

Read this story some time ago… one of my favourite author’s tales. It’s said when you are in love, whatever you see would be the most beautiful of all, he/she will be your source of inspiration. And there’s this photographer who loved this girl very much, but she left him for another guy. During these days… the girl still go back to him to take photos as he will always capture the best of her in the photograph. Love is still there. And as days  goes by, and as the purposeful visits of the girl became a routine, and as love wears out, the portraits grow to become plain. Love has gone with time. If the girl just left him there and then, his love for her will remain as the most beautiful thing in his mind. If the girl keep on coming back to "use" his love, the picture of her in his heart will slowly degrade as the abuse of his love for her has made her lesser than what he has of her in his mind.

Another similar story. A girl gave up and did everything for her love. Then the guy broke up with her for another girl. But the guy still toys around with the girl once in a while. Until one day, when the guy wanted to do what the brains has less control over that little thing, then did the last piece of affection of her for that guy wears off. He is just another low life not worth loving for.

Moral of the stories: do not abuse what love has for you. Cherish it, then it would be forever there to warm up your heart when you need it. Misuse it, then it would just make you another non-deserving soul.

不知道为什么会选择蓝玫瑰来代替小花，总是觉得跟蓝玫瑰很投缘。我喜欢蓝色，而且蓝玫瑰很稀有。曾经有个朋友答应要栽培一棵蓝玫瑰给我，可惜还没栽好，我们已失去联络。

Anyway, 来到新国工作之后才发现自己真的是温室里的小花。 同龄朋友都正在忙供房， 供家，而我只需照顾好自己，存钱为自己实现理想。突然之间， 明白了前男友的苦衷， 也明白了自己的幸运。很感激爸爸这么支持我。无论我做了什么决定，他都默默地支持我。我不应该不知足，不应该埋怨工作的辛苦，只管把工作做好，尽了自己最大的努力，就足够了。跟同事相处了，才发觉，自己还有很多世面未见过。 幸亏有他们在，否则也不知如何度过公司里的生涯。 很感激上帝对我的仁慈，去到哪儿都会为我安排几个天使来陪我走人生的某个新旅程。

曾经想过为什么世上会有奸诈的人存在， 把生活都给搞砸了。是不是自己也应该像他们这样“恶作剧”来保护自己？ 但还是觉得那种生活好累哦，还是乖乖跑自己的直路算了， 反正不论选择哪条路，最终还是会到达我的人生目的地。还是让我做回温室里的蓝玫瑰吧！